Spiraling

I feel sometimes things are spiraling out of control. Being the type of person who likes things neat, tidy and somewhat in control this really bothers me. After our wedding (one of the happiest days of my entire life) things started to spin. First J hurt her back and was barely able to walk for a week. Then Max our dog ate a pain patch of my moms and ended up at the emergency vet and at the point of being unresponsive. Thank god they put him to sleep and pumped his stomach and saved his life. My father ended up in the hospital while still here visiting after the wedding with chest pain and was discharged in a couple of days with a good report...not any artery blockages but they dont know why he had the chest pain. He had triple bypass in 2004. This was all a relief for us. My parents finally were able to fly back home 2 days after the original date they were suppose to fly. Everything finally seemed to be getting back to normal around here and J and I finally found some time to just hang out with one another and enjoy one another without everyone around. I started the injectable meds preparing for IVF only to have a cancelled cycle due to premature ovulation, a large cyst and my numbers being up ( I knew something was wrong when Dr G called me himself that afternoon after I had the ultrasound and lab work to tell me the news.) I cried a lot more than I have the whole time we have been ttc I just seemed to lose hope at that time and when hope is gone what is is left. J has been very supportive through all of this she's my rock. Then a few weeks later I get a call from my dad saying my mom was really sick and that I needed to come home because she had to be intubated and was on a ventilator due to severe pneumonia. Now this is the last thing I ever expected to happen because my mom usually does not get this sick because she recognizes symptoms early on and goes to the doctor so I was shocked it was her in the hospital. I took an emergency flight to Alabama after just getting off a 12 hour overnight shift only to have the flights from hell that day. It took me another 8 hours to get to Florida close to where my parents live and another 2 1/2 to get to the hospital where she had been transferred to. It is an awful feeling when you are so helpless and not knowing whether or not you will ever get to see her alive again and to tell her that you love her. Nothing can get you there fast enough. This is the one reason I do hate living so far away from my family. When I arrived she had gotten so much better. She was in ICU and already had gotten off the ventilator because she was doing so well and had begged the doctor to take the tube out. She although still really sick looked wonderful to me. I was so relieved and happy to see that she was talking and smiling when I walked into the room. I was in Alabama for five days helping to take care of her and was able to bring her home after she was discharged. I took a flight out the next day (Wednesday) as I was due back for a 16 hour shift on Thursday. Again I had the flight from hell being delayed this time for 4 hours at one airport and on the second leg of my flight to Boston we got re-routed 200 miles out of our way due to weather and control center back up. Fun,Fun, Fun. J picked me up with the 2 fur babies in tow and we managed to get home at 12:45 am and we were both due to wake up at 5:15 am to get to work. Yeah it was great. But none the less was I ever happy to see all the loves of my life in the one car that night at the airport....one smiling from ear to ear and the other two waging their tails and jumping up and down. This always brings me peace. Now I would love to tell you that things only started to look up for us and to get better but I regret to say no. This past weekend was filled with much needed togetherness. Only it was tainted by the news that mom had to have abdominal surgery due to a bowel obstruction on Sunday morning. She today remains in the hospital recuperating but has had a set back because of confusion due to hopefully all the morphine she was receiving for pain. Now here I sit today on my day off filled with emotions. Emotions of worry and I start to feel anxious. I feel I need to be in Alabama and at the same time I feel I need to be here where all my security is. I need J to be home from work soon for the comfort she gives me. I just want things to stop spiraling and to slow down long enough for me to catch my breath, long enough for me to exhale. Thats what I am longing for.